Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
