I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
