how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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