His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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