I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
