Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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