Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
