quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
