i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
