Your mouth is God's brothel.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
