I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize