It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
