I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
