its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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