Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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