I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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