is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
