I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
