She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
