I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
