remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
i need some magic done to my vagina
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
