Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize