Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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