Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize