I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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