i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I wish there were birth control emojis
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
