I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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