Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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