Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
