i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
