Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
