just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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