moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
