Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
