i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
