I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
