So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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