I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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