im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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