Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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