You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
