i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
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