I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
