College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize