Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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