You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
