"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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