4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
