just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
