once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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