gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Randomize
