I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
