oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
