i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
