I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
