I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
