Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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