her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
They are going to name an STD after you.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize