i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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