Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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