Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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