I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
