I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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