I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
