Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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