How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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