i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
i think i just lost a toe
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
