I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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