I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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