I don't remember. Are we still dating?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
